One of the things that was most fabulous, but also very difficult for me when I spoke to Barbara Sher was saying, “No, I don’t want to go back to that,” when discussing whether or not my real wish had anything to do with my recent stint of comic book coloring and lettering. She’s clearly a tenacious woman, because she asked me twice. I felt exactly what she heard in my voice, resistance, as well as a little bit of fear. But I knew that this person would understand, so I stood my ground, and we came around to a better idea.
I think Scanners learn to hide their Scanning, or at least mask it from the non-Scanners in our world. I haven’t told very many people that I’m done with comic book work, at least for now, because they wouldn’t understand.
But that creates a boundary.
Suddenly you’re hiding things from people you care about. Because THEY WON’T UNDERSTAND.
I’m pretty sure I did that all *7* times I changed my major in college. And every little small business I started and stopped. And every hobby, interest and passion that I discovered, mastered and then put to rest.
It’s not easy to tell people about it. To most people, trying something, being good at it, learning about it, doing it for a while, and even getting paid to do it means this is WHAT YOU DO. They don’t understand that I’m done doing that now. It’s just who I am. But I’m not that strong, so I hide it.
Then someone comes along who finds out. An old boyfriend asked me about the comics work, which was something I discovered because he was into it. I tiptoed around it, tried to soften the statement but it still had to be said – nope, not doing that anymore. He seemed genuinely offended that I would move on to something else! His response was biting, and it still stings to think about.
WHO AM I to do something that doesn’t fit someone else’s idea of what I should do? How dare I WASTE MY TALENT? What could I be thinking?
Well you know what? This is NOT the only thing I’m talented at. I want to learn something new. I’m not looking for a new career, I have my good-enough job for now and that’s good enough. I want to experiment and try new things. It’s crazy, I know.
But it’s who I am. I’m a Scanner.none