Anyone been wondering what happened to me?

OK, probably not. As my last post indicated, I’ve been neck-deep in National Novel Writing Month, which was a resounding success. (If you don’t count the 5 pounds I gained from fortifying my spirit with chocolate and snack mix.) I made it to my 50,000 words on November 27th, as planned, and I’m pretty pleased with the results. I think my book was better than last year, most likely because I came up with a very loose plan before I started.

So what’s next? I went from my summer motorcycling & writing project, and my SARK class, into birthdays and travel and then NaNo. It’s been a very busy 5 months! December is always busy as well, with the holidays and all, but for me it’s more about trying to figure out what’s next for me.

I decided December would be about personal growth, and planning for the next year. I am working through a couple of insight and learning-based programs, getting the house stuff caught up from my writing weeks, figuring out my goals for my writing and my creative work, and nurturing my body and spirit with more reading and eating healthier. I think it will be just the break I need.

(Frank will laugh at this part and say, that’s not a break!)

Maybe it’s not a break. Maybe it’s just a change of pace, and that’s what I need. Either way, I’ll tell you more about the specific things I’m working on over the next few weeks.

I won!

There’s something to be said for looking backwards.

I know, there is no yesterday and no tomorrow, there is only today. But if we don’t take the time to review where we’ve been, it’s easy to forget the mistakes we’ve made. And also it’s easy to overlook the accomplishments. Here are some of the lessons I’ve learned recently.

1. My reaction to things is not always logical. Having survived some significant traumas, I have a lot of emotions that may not have been uncovered yet. I’m working on them, but when something goes askew in the present, it often reopens an old wound without me even knowing it. I’m learning to recognize this, and trying to make sure that others involved understand it as much as they can.

2. My biggest financial weakness right now is food. I’m doing a terrible job at grocery shopping and cooking at home. I need to master this, or I’m not going to reach my financial goals. We need a massive realignment for everyone in the house, but I’m not exactly sure how to do that yet. But at least I realize this is something I need to work on.

3. I created an “inspiration” list on Twitter, to contain some of my favorite inspirational accounts into one location so I don’t miss anything. You can read it here if you are interested in what inspires me. It’s mostly a mix of personal growth and personal finance bloggers.

4. I was reminded that sometimes the creative process requires a simmering phase. That’s where I’m at right now with my writing, a point where I’m reading a lot, and writing just for myself, in a process that I hope will help me be more confident in writing for others as well. I have an ongoing internal struggle with own creative process. Some of it is time and logistics, wherein my studio is not at home and it’s hard to carve out the time to spend there. The rest is just me, trying to find my creative self.

5. I’ve been working on getting rid of stuff. We’ve made huge amounts of progress and I appreciate my family’s support in this process. It’s mostly up to me to decide what stays and goes, but the help in actually getting things out of the house has been awesome. If I don’t find it useful or beautiful, it doesn’t belong here anymore. The best thing this week was getting a bunch of stuff out of the garage, so the motorcycle could come home from the shop and be ready to ride!

Those are just a few of my week’s lessons. Don’t be afraid to reflect and see what you can learn from it!

Once a week is better than nothing, right?

I had a good week. It feels weird to write a blog post to say that.

For the most part, all my problems are related to managing the blessings in my life. Those aren’t bad problems to have!

I think everyone in my household has these same problems. We’re all trying to find ourselves, live a full life and feel comfortable in our own skins. It’s hard, but worth it.

I hope they know that I understand they are struggling, and that I am too. I’m trying to help them, but also live my life and thwart my own demons. I’m trying to learn not to be codependent and a martyr, and sometime that’s uncomfortable to people who are used to having little expected of them.

The amazing thing is that I really like who I’m becoming, and I like who they are becoming as well.

It’s fun!

Today, N and O go together.

By niceties I mean playing nice, not making waves, not complaining, not acknowledging that things were once quite horrible. It’s weird but I think that is what has made me seem like such an optimist. How can you be anything else when the worst of what happens in the now can’t ever touch the worst of what has happened in the past?

Over and over and over in my life I learned to grin and bear it. Hide the shameful experiences. Compartmentalize.

The hidden gift in that is who I am now. It’s all about perspective.

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern.”
~Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

I’ve hidden my struggle out of the depths. I am waiting, biding my time if you will, to tell some of my stories. Why would I do that? Some of it is shame. Some of it is fear. And some of it is protecting the people in my life from the whole story.

Right now, the blog is about getting me comfortable with sharing my opinion more than my story. It’s a process, however, and I’m starting to feel like there are bits and pieces that are ready to be told.

They will be much harder to write, I think, than these light little posts. Some of the stories will be uplifting and some will be sad. I imagine when I dig into them that most will contain some sort of lesson but if not, they will at least be interesting. I guess we’ll see, won’t we?

I got several questions when I started this blog, mostly along the line of “what’s your blog about?”

Um, I have no idea?

OK, I guess I DO know, it’s about me. But seeing as though I’m painfully shy, and quite afraid to put myself out there, I said it was about my PERSPECTIVE on things.

Well THAT was a cop-out, wasn’t it?

This blog is about me. That will include my perspective on things, but I’m not here to share my opinion or have a forum for griping about stuff. I’m here to talk about things that are important to me. Sometimes you might find that interesting. But maybe you won’t.

Either way, I’m here and I’m just going to do my thing.